hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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