i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
