hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
