I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
