I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
