I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
