Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
