I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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