It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We talked him into tasing himself.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You need a sexual gate keeper
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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