Me too!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I think your dad took our porno
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
