I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
