allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
