i always forget guys have bellybuttons
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just invented taco cereal.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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