if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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