My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
