I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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