I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
