i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
