He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
