He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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