I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
