Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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