What did we do last night that was yellow?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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