either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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