Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
