I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
