"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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