i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
