Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
