I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
