I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
