Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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