Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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