TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
