Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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