I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
