remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
