i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
a search helicopter?!
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
