saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
