Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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