At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You can't just leave with hair like that
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
