just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
