Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
