I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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