I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
