Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
