never play flip cup with pint glasses
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
