I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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