Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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