At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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