Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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