apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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