I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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