I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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