Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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